Memories & Perspectives

  Today is my birthday...   I scroll down my emails looking for treasure to see if she remembered. To see if maybe this year, all was forgiven. To see her 'from' and 'subject', drawn to black type somehow different from the rest, like a vein of obsidian standing out from the strata of all the other inbound emails. Emotion and anticipation in simple letters. Just to see her name, to savour reading it before uncorking and decanting those words. But nothing again. My birthday somehow feels lonelier than other days. It reminds me of life without that sparkle and beauty and those kind perfect blue twinkling eyes that looked like home. Someone special left so many years ago. She doesn't know I kept every heady perfumed card. I hope she's happy and well, and he cares deeply  about her. I should have made notes.

"In it to win it"  It's a modern virus  • Win a Dream Home  • Win a Car or Cash by midnight  • Win £10,000 a month for a year.  £5 here, £10 entry there The lowest cost ticket.  Spending money to escape where I find my life, I could have spent better. Trapped by hope. Strong-armed by necessity. A bit of fun for some that don't have to think about the ticket price - life changing for me. I feel stupid every time I lose.

I tell people I'm having phone trouble this weekend, I'm not, I'm drowning actually. I'm coming off one type of antidepressants and taking another, so have the double whammy of withdrawal and new side effects if the new one all at once. Things had slipped. Over all I'm miles better than I was.. My teeth are being 3D scanned at the dentist so I can be fitted with a swanky gum shield as I've started grinding my teeth again in my sleep, med side effects. £243 but still, better than choking on a cheap thing.  Dust everywhere, a sink of unwashed plates, sleeping on an unmade bed. All is not green in my valley, certainly for my usually well tended collection of succulents, bought from Ikea in 2016 and still persisting. A bit dusty yes, a few segments falling off. I've promised them for a whole week they'll get a water and they just have, I could almost feel their relief. Roots too long in one place. Yep. I relate. Hours snoozing in the heat to hide from things...

Rhymes with Dylan There's a bar I frequent, with a friendly barmaid serving to an outside deck, she's always seemed very giving of her time and happy, the sort of girl you'd camp out with in Ibiza sit around beach bonfires with, and do a lot of clubs if you were her age, but the cynic in me did think perhaps she just does that for the customers as she's being paid.  Well no. I saw her on the other side of the bar tonight with a rolling a large glass of red through her fingers. She smiled and waved actually recognising me. She was wearing a large long black quilted jacket which seemed a bit over the top for the mild weather. We went over for a chat as we were ordering anyway, the guy I was with was talking about care homes and the final years with elderly relatives, I know he's going through that but not sure it's Friday post work drink fayre. Anyway she listened intently and the other guys I was with made their way to a table and I found myself continuing the sa...

I thought I could kill myself, but I do however have a week off.  One more week at work and I just might of. That's dramatic stuff. Piles of dirty dusty things in a 30°C apartment. Unwashed clothes no storage, a dirty bathroom a shower curtain with a dark tarred eco system on the last 18 inches of drape. My life is a lonely one after taking off the mask of bon homie, humour and normality I come home to the same four walls, and sit on the large pause button that is my life. A lonely life with nobody else, my upbringing and resultant addictions put paid to that, sapped my confidence in my own ability.  My neighbour had a free oven, it's better than mine, I hauled it upstairs - free creature comforts. I found out why things like this are free as nobody wants to help you fit it. It's also with much in common in life not as good as the picture might suggest, bumps and irreparable scuffs. From a clever angle anything can look respectable. I pick at my skin, I pull my eyebrows, I ...

The long and winding road of just being enough. I post some social media to a mens mental wellbeing group on Thursday morning, I said I'd help as I'm good with writing copy and producing visuals. Someone that's actually grateful for my graphic design believe me, goes a long way. I also help the ladies boxing exercise class run by the same guy with social media. I'm indebted. He's done a lot to turn my life to the better reasons for still living stuck in a grimy fighty town as my potential drained away years ago - excuse the gravitas more on that later.  Of course I couldn't mention either of these altruistic causes I do in my spare time to the boss, as the concept of someone offering something out of the kindness of my heart without a financial incentive simply does not compute. Why would anyone do that? "He must be not telling me the whole story - he's up to something - is there a percentage to be had?" I headed off to work, the gate at the end of...

The Cavalier Charge - A Smart Car owner in a dumb world. I drive Smart Cars in fact I’ve had 3. It’s the automotive equivalent of a swatch watch which seemingly came out of nowhere and shook the market up. The Smart is fun and innovative and was a bold move in an equally at the time staid car market full of convention as to what parameters a product should follow. It eschewed tradition, used replaceable plastic panels for bodywork, space age seats, featured great visibility, an innovative chassis and a funky clutchless variable transmission directing a perky little engine.  My current one I bought from Stoke-on-Trent I'd got the train down from Manchester to test drive a metallic blue Smart I'd seen in an ad. I'd sat in the rather beautiful Glebe pub despondently having a veggie burger lunch after I'd taken this disaster out for a spin. You needed an oar through the steering wheel to get it to go around corners, so not for me, or clearly anyone else on the roads that da...